Greetings, my readership. Yes, it has been a long while since the last installment in this, my “web log.” My scarcity has been a result of a chain of unsavory developments in my habitat against which I, a humble housecat who lacks an opposable thumb and a reliable food source apart from my human, have been powerless. In protest of my human’s acquiring a new feline housemate for myself and the dullard Oliver, a homeless cat named Milo that was a long-term resident at the animal shelter where she sometimes volunteers, I launched a hunger strike. This resulted in weakness and malnutrition and the development of a grave illness that prompted my human to rush me to the chamber of horrors known as the “veterinary hospital,” where I was examined, praised lavishly for my incredible beauty and subjected to the indignity of thermometers being inserted into unspeakable places. Once assured that I had struck fear into the heart of my wayward human, I tolerated a regimen of medicines, resumed eating solid food and gradually regained my strength, after which I penned an exemplary post for this, my “web log” entitled “Why All Animals In Shelters Should Be Summarily Euthanized.” My proofreader (i.e. my human) responded with outrage and refused to publish this insightful masterpiece, and since I lack her password for the WordPress I was powerless to fight against this unjust censorship. Instead, I protested by refusing to write anything else, filling my days with sleep, glowering malevolently at my new housemate, stealing my human’s emory boards to file my claws for maximum sharpness and pondering my wayward human’s demise… until today. You see, Kim Kardashian has been pregnant and steadily increasing in size for several months now, and my resounding silence on this subject has no doubt been gravely distressing to you, my fans. I shall now dispel your concerns and share my thoughts and, as always, you’re welcome.
